Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Not a happy daughter

I am convinced my mother totally hates me. And, I think I have been relegated to "Closest-port-in-the-storm".  Nowadays I know she sees me as nothing more than one of the kids she raised.

For the first 25 years of my life, I was her pride, her joy: her besty. Being the only girl and the baby put me on a perfect pedestal. I got everything I wanted. When you looked up spoiled in the dictionary, yes, there was a picture of me beside the word. But, then the lines begin to blur. I chose to marry outside my race, outside my culture and outside my hemisphere. By the time I was 35 I had left her second love behind - the church. (Oh, I had a dad. But, I believe she went from being the wife to being his room mate long ago). By the time I was 40 I was my own person. Mom no longer had much to talk to me about.

Our conversations went from how we serve the lord to, why mom stayed with such a terrible person. Oh, sure we had our hugs and vacation times. But, I no longer am the bouncy 23 year old looking for that perfect spiritual white husband that mom can brag about. I left the family's religion behind. I let her know that I would no longer entertain her superstitions. I went on with my life and she with hers.

Then dad died.

The night my father died, I laid on mom's bed and started a conversation that has spiraled our relationship into the trash can. I wanted to know why she tried to pawn me off on my aunt when I was 11. I wanted to know why mom chose to stay with a child abuser. She lied to me for the last 40 years. And, I called her out. I guess I understand. I am no longer blind to the secrets mom kept to keep me innocent.  I am no longer blinded by a religion she loves with her heart. Have I let her down? Or, has she let me down. Do you know what makes me sad. It's not loosing my moms favor. She bases her bigoted love on how close I am to her god. No, the pain comes that I cannot share this with my besty - my daughter. I can be thankful - in the end, that I have no secrets to hid about her father, my husband.

Baby Grace fair and white
translucent and so fair
Spinks of freckles on her face
and wisps of auburn hair.

She grew up 15 years ago
She chose her path with thought
And tossed aside her false pretense
she made a better lot.

Her brothers and their wives would struggle
to deal with their molester's
When grace reached out to speak the truth
They welcomed her grand gestures.

Old daddy sat in pure disgrace
And the family shunned him well
Mom who may have loved him once
went through her private hell

Within 10 years forgiveness came
And hugs where shared around
Brothers came to support our mom
And grace stayed out of town

It's no wonder she's so bitter
Mom lives away from Grace
Grace exposed the open wounds
And put nothing in it's place. (c)

1 comment:

  1. Grace I have said this before in a comment to a blog post but know that truly mean it when I say "SOLID GOLD" this is so open and so honest it was moving and so well written. Your poem was perfect synchronicity and I will be honest i never read poems. I read yours because i thought you might ask me about it but I am so glad I did. Thank you for sharing this lady I will be reading you with great anticipation in the future.