Consider the Slug (Maybe the easiest manager to work under)

                                 

I had a manager once that I once compared to a slug. She was slow, sluggish and had nothing but a slimy personalty.  She was a pitiful human. Having nothing to do most of my day but close cases and put with her, nothing left to do in life but write about her.  

If all management was this fun to write about.  

The Slug

My manager de-personal

Is know to me as “slug”

Not a normal situation

Ne’er animal nor bug.

On the phone most every hour

She's very hermaphroditic*

Her silky body is so slimy

She really makes me sick

Grab the salt my fair co-worker

There goes the apophallation**

We will do-in the wretched queen

We’ll watch the hot sensation

Now my mother's calling me

Ill be gone for just a time

Me thinks of how we'll do her in

And making up this rhyme.

If now my dreams could just come true

I’d get a better leader

When I get back from my house

Perhaps its then I’ll meet her.

A footnote: 

*having both genders

** A commonly seen practice among many slugs is apophallation, when one or both of the slugs chew off the other's penis. (Wikopedia)

Little Bundle

Today I became a grandmother. I watched Max become a man. This poem is for him.  I hope he steps up.

Little bundle

It was just a little bundle

 in the bassinet

Just a little bundle,

 he never will forget

Just tiny little fingers

folded up so tight

Just a little baby,

Oh my, what a sight

He saw the little nostrils

on the baby's face

He saw the little eyebrows

just in the right place

But this was newly different

His heart was swelled with joy

Everything was good today cuz'

he held his baby boy

Congratulations Max. (c)

Best friends

Have you got a dog or cat that just can't stand thunder storms? Fortunately our dog would sleep through a nuclear blast. Sometime ago I found this pic on the net. This pic has always stayed with me. My imagination served it's purpose. Consider Miranda and Johnnie. Miranda, obviously the older wiser of the two, tolerates the dog - usually.

Best friends

There once was a cat named Miranda

Who sat still on the veranda

She said to the dog

You eat like a hog

And actually, I really can't stand'ya.

The dog said to the cat in a dither

You sure can make my spirits wither

You're just an old puss

A wretched old wuss

Like a snake, I’ve seen you slither

The cat yelled to the sky

I ought to scratch out your eye

You’re dumb to the bone

And all alone

My loathing will soon make you die

The scrapping went on through the night

The two dodgers fought into the light

When the sun rose

In their repose

They were holding each other quite tight.

After the Fools Dance

  

So, you think maybe that poem was just made up. Nope. Its truer than you can imagine. Except instead of it taking me five hours, it only took 20 minutes to realize I was beyond help. I sent my friends on and laid on the bed and cried myself to sleep. If my buddy hadn't have come over that night and comforted me, I don't know where I would be today.

Over 30 years later, I still cry when I remember how I choose to punish and fool myself and refuse to believe the pants didn't fit. Did I take a hard line, loose weight and wear the pants? No, they hung in the back of my closet in pieces - until I got married to my buddy. Almost 30 years later, I no longer keep clothes hoping I will loose weight. I buy my size and recycle.

 

The morning after

Last night I put on skinny jeans

I pulled and pulled with might

but fluff and faint overwhelmed

and I passed out through the night

I dreamt of spiders and cocoons

my thoughts were all consuming

I know I lost my consciousness

Tiz death, I was presuming.

Morning sun warmed on my face

and brought me sweet repose

but I was mostly paralyzed

and could not feel my toes

I tried to cry and say his name

or at least get up and shuffle

but like a lump, I hit the floor

my cries were but a muffle

I was swollen like a torso

heated by the sun

my grotesque arms reached in front

The unbuttoning begun

groping pulling gurgling

Tears flowed like unfettered rain

zipper down, hands rubbed raw

I passed out again

was it hours or days that passed

he is still asleep I hear

I grabbed the scissors from the drawer

in my dresser near

slash and cut, rip and tear

My pants are shredded well

Two hours of my life are gone

And those pants can go to hell.

g

Putting on Skinny jeans

I Don't know about the rest of you, but I hate shopping. I have lost considerable weight and am still not as thin as I want. One of the things I just hate is shopping for clothes. My "girls" are still the same size they were before I lost weight. And, after I had corrective surgery to remove excess skin and liposuction surgery, the only thing I had to show my gender definitively, was my girls. I have to wear boys jeans. Its okay. I'd rather have a flat ass and no thighs than to be back in a size 24.

Putting on skinny jeans

Tugging, pulling, grasping hard

The time is now past three

I cannot say I was breathing well

I'm dizzy and cannot see

Hopping, stomping, bending, squatting

This is going great

Let me tuck my pockets in

to get these on by eight

Six o'clock is coming fast

My face is turning red

my lips are blue and purple now

I'm bent back on the bed

I  tune the music to play louder

No one can hear my cries

Three more inches and I'll have it

Tears flow from my eyes

My toes are numb my arms are weak

The button has gone through

Now if I could just stand up

There's not much left to do

This is silly, such a folly

I just cannot think straight

My friends have left without me now

Since it’s well past eight

Hooray! I wore my skinny jeans

I put on them on tonight

I even got them past my thighs

Though they were too tight

I'd take them off and grab a dress

but can't get off the bed

I have no feelings in my trunk

Darkness engulfs my head

grace